Today I definitely was in a good place in my life. I actually woke up early & headed out for important errands instead of sleeping most of the day away - and then I did something I have never been able to do - I got my nails manicured at a nail salon. Maybe this doesnt seem like such a big deal to everyone else - but nail biting has long since been a bad habit of mine. Not only do I bite my nails when I am stressed or worried - but also when Im bored - So due to my summer-long unemployment you can imagine that I have been never ending stressed and bored!
The fact that I have managed to take such good care of my nails and have grown them to a pretty length is a sign of my ability to hang in there more than I have ever been able to in my life. Ive gotten a grip on a lot of things that used to be out of control and feel like I am on my way to being an overall much more healthy person. Hopefully soon the BIG things like a job will start falling into place and I can reduce some of that worry and stress.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
My parents...
Today I literally said the words to my mother "Id be nothing without you." And yall have no idea how serious that statement is. My family has always been the most supportive people Ive ever seen - not that they are perfect - but always there when you need them doing anything and everything they can.
Id like to explain something:
Back in May I found out that I was losing my job due to the loss of a North Carolina state grant that funded the program that I ran. My job was already crazy stressful - But knowing that I had to go to work everyday and bust my ass only to be let go in four weeks was unbearable. At the time my bipoloar disorder was outta whack and the school year was just ending - which means the kids at work were bouncing off the walls (sometimes literally). I didnt have a lot of support at work because the entire organization was suffering from cutbacks. Feeling that I had no way of improving myself other than to leave my position earlier- I left. The leaving early has caused an enormous amount of trouble for me with my collection of unemployment. In fact, I havent actually collected a single penny to this date. We are still waiting to hear from them having done all I can do on my end. I am hoping I dont have to appeal their decision - But if I must, I will, considering I was losing my job one way or another by the end of June whether I was the star employee or not. --->
This whole story isnt one that I have shared. Only my family really knows that I am flat broke & living off my savings and parents. If it werent for the love and support my mother and father showed me I have no idea how I could make it. I really wanted to write about it to get it OUT there - Because lately I have been carrying around so much that I have had weeks of sleepless nights and days full of anxiety and stress. I am hoping my situation improves soon in the way of either collecting unemployement or finally landing one of these jobs Ive waited for - but either way, I cant go on much longer. I have feeling helpless and out of control- and I HATE being a burden on my family. Especially when I know they have a lot going on... But thats a whole other story.
Id like to explain something:
Back in May I found out that I was losing my job due to the loss of a North Carolina state grant that funded the program that I ran. My job was already crazy stressful - But knowing that I had to go to work everyday and bust my ass only to be let go in four weeks was unbearable. At the time my bipoloar disorder was outta whack and the school year was just ending - which means the kids at work were bouncing off the walls (sometimes literally). I didnt have a lot of support at work because the entire organization was suffering from cutbacks. Feeling that I had no way of improving myself other than to leave my position earlier- I left. The leaving early has caused an enormous amount of trouble for me with my collection of unemployment. In fact, I havent actually collected a single penny to this date. We are still waiting to hear from them having done all I can do on my end. I am hoping I dont have to appeal their decision - But if I must, I will, considering I was losing my job one way or another by the end of June whether I was the star employee or not. --->
This whole story isnt one that I have shared. Only my family really knows that I am flat broke & living off my savings and parents. If it werent for the love and support my mother and father showed me I have no idea how I could make it. I really wanted to write about it to get it OUT there - Because lately I have been carrying around so much that I have had weeks of sleepless nights and days full of anxiety and stress. I am hoping my situation improves soon in the way of either collecting unemployement or finally landing one of these jobs Ive waited for - but either way, I cant go on much longer. I have feeling helpless and out of control- and I HATE being a burden on my family. Especially when I know they have a lot going on... But thats a whole other story.
I really want to do this:
So today as I was reading over some of my most favorite tweets I realized the only way to keep a blog was to REALLY want to do it. Usually I come to the desire of blogging through emotional experiences - it becomes just so much more like a diary for me and I seriously doubt that anyone would want to read my random thoughts. Right now is probably not the best time to try a more serious type of writing considering my life is fairly boring - just the ups and downs of bipolar disorder thrown around with an amazing family and friends and unemployment. Its rare that I have something worthwhile to share. But who says Im doing this for anyone else? Maybe its just for me? And maybe after at time I could come to the conclusion that I do have something to share with the world. For now, readers beware ;)
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