Today I definitely was in a good place in my life. I actually woke up early & headed out for important errands instead of sleeping most of the day away - and then I did something I have never been able to do - I got my nails manicured at a nail salon. Maybe this doesnt seem like such a big deal to everyone else - but nail biting has long since been a bad habit of mine. Not only do I bite my nails when I am stressed or worried - but also when Im bored - So due to my summer-long unemployment you can imagine that I have been never ending stressed and bored!
The fact that I have managed to take such good care of my nails and have grown them to a pretty length is a sign of my ability to hang in there more than I have ever been able to in my life. Ive gotten a grip on a lot of things that used to be out of control and feel like I am on my way to being an overall much more healthy person. Hopefully soon the BIG things like a job will start falling into place and I can reduce some of that worry and stress.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
My parents...
Today I literally said the words to my mother "Id be nothing without you." And yall have no idea how serious that statement is. My family has always been the most supportive people Ive ever seen - not that they are perfect - but always there when you need them doing anything and everything they can.
Id like to explain something:
Back in May I found out that I was losing my job due to the loss of a North Carolina state grant that funded the program that I ran. My job was already crazy stressful - But knowing that I had to go to work everyday and bust my ass only to be let go in four weeks was unbearable. At the time my bipoloar disorder was outta whack and the school year was just ending - which means the kids at work were bouncing off the walls (sometimes literally). I didnt have a lot of support at work because the entire organization was suffering from cutbacks. Feeling that I had no way of improving myself other than to leave my position earlier- I left. The leaving early has caused an enormous amount of trouble for me with my collection of unemployment. In fact, I havent actually collected a single penny to this date. We are still waiting to hear from them having done all I can do on my end. I am hoping I dont have to appeal their decision - But if I must, I will, considering I was losing my job one way or another by the end of June whether I was the star employee or not. --->
This whole story isnt one that I have shared. Only my family really knows that I am flat broke & living off my savings and parents. If it werent for the love and support my mother and father showed me I have no idea how I could make it. I really wanted to write about it to get it OUT there - Because lately I have been carrying around so much that I have had weeks of sleepless nights and days full of anxiety and stress. I am hoping my situation improves soon in the way of either collecting unemployement or finally landing one of these jobs Ive waited for - but either way, I cant go on much longer. I have feeling helpless and out of control- and I HATE being a burden on my family. Especially when I know they have a lot going on... But thats a whole other story.
Id like to explain something:
Back in May I found out that I was losing my job due to the loss of a North Carolina state grant that funded the program that I ran. My job was already crazy stressful - But knowing that I had to go to work everyday and bust my ass only to be let go in four weeks was unbearable. At the time my bipoloar disorder was outta whack and the school year was just ending - which means the kids at work were bouncing off the walls (sometimes literally). I didnt have a lot of support at work because the entire organization was suffering from cutbacks. Feeling that I had no way of improving myself other than to leave my position earlier- I left. The leaving early has caused an enormous amount of trouble for me with my collection of unemployment. In fact, I havent actually collected a single penny to this date. We are still waiting to hear from them having done all I can do on my end. I am hoping I dont have to appeal their decision - But if I must, I will, considering I was losing my job one way or another by the end of June whether I was the star employee or not. --->
This whole story isnt one that I have shared. Only my family really knows that I am flat broke & living off my savings and parents. If it werent for the love and support my mother and father showed me I have no idea how I could make it. I really wanted to write about it to get it OUT there - Because lately I have been carrying around so much that I have had weeks of sleepless nights and days full of anxiety and stress. I am hoping my situation improves soon in the way of either collecting unemployement or finally landing one of these jobs Ive waited for - but either way, I cant go on much longer. I have feeling helpless and out of control- and I HATE being a burden on my family. Especially when I know they have a lot going on... But thats a whole other story.
I really want to do this:
So today as I was reading over some of my most favorite tweets I realized the only way to keep a blog was to REALLY want to do it. Usually I come to the desire of blogging through emotional experiences - it becomes just so much more like a diary for me and I seriously doubt that anyone would want to read my random thoughts. Right now is probably not the best time to try a more serious type of writing considering my life is fairly boring - just the ups and downs of bipolar disorder thrown around with an amazing family and friends and unemployment. Its rare that I have something worthwhile to share. But who says Im doing this for anyone else? Maybe its just for me? And maybe after at time I could come to the conclusion that I do have something to share with the world. For now, readers beware ;)
Monday, January 5, 2009
Things Kids Say...
As many of my beloved blog followers - yes, all two of you - already know, I work with middle school aged kids. Sometimes the things they say really get to me. Youd think at 23 I wouldnt be quite so self conscious, nor would I care what a 14 year old had to say - But, alas, I do. Today one of my more favored students said something along the lines of, "Miss Jill what did you do to your hair? It looks... frizzy?" I immediately felt two inches tall and had the urge to run to the bathroom to check out my CURLY hair. This morning I just used styling products and let it dry into its natural curly/wavy state - and its an obvious difference from my straighten hair - but wow, frizzy? I think not. Honestly I think he was trying to give me a compliment on my hair - people were asking all day if I had it cut or colored - but boyyyy did his plan backfire. I am probably now going to go months worrying about my frizzy hair.
Another goodie that has me ultra paranoid - A few months back I got new glasses. They are of the big nerdy kind, the thick black frames that are kinda in style right now. Ive been wearing glasses since I was six but Ive never owned any like this - So I was already a lil nervous about wearing them. Well my biggest fears came to light when one of the high school students - who is also white and also wears big black frames - said something along the lines of those glasses making my head look big. Man oh man since then I have not been able to wear my glasses out in public without the fear of having a HUGE head. Thanks to you kiddo, thanks a ton.
Boy the things kids say.
Another goodie that has me ultra paranoid - A few months back I got new glasses. They are of the big nerdy kind, the thick black frames that are kinda in style right now. Ive been wearing glasses since I was six but Ive never owned any like this - So I was already a lil nervous about wearing them. Well my biggest fears came to light when one of the high school students - who is also white and also wears big black frames - said something along the lines of those glasses making my head look big. Man oh man since then I have not been able to wear my glasses out in public without the fear of having a HUGE head. Thanks to you kiddo, thanks a ton.
Boy the things kids say.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Again and again
I need to ask myself a serious question - Why is it that I continually put myself into the same negative situations again and again? I am always trying to give my affection away to someone who is mostly undeserving - and always find myself feeling hurt or empty in the end. To pull a line from one of my favorite movies, "I am such a stupid woman." I think the best way to face things is head on - So I will admit to you what has gotten me down at this time - I feel that I often find myself, over the past few years, talking to guys that keep me a secret. Through texts, emails, comments, phone calls, etc they make me seem such a huge part of their life. And stupid me - I buy into believing so much of their BS until something happens that really hurts me. There is this one guy that I really feel like could be something amazing for me - only problem is we are separated by hundreds of miles. We have this amazing passion and so much the same and different that we are never bored by each other. And up until now I really had been buying into the only reason we couldnt be together is that we've only been face to face once, and that we are separated by states. Tonight however the smallest little thing has set me off - and made me face up to the reality that "hes just not that into me." I dont believe in keeping the ppl I love or care about censored, a secret, away from anyone. I dont care about putting things out there that are true or funny or real for me - and I feel like if you truly felt a certain way about someone - or a certain situation - you wouldnt care who knew about it either. But thats just me. And youd think at 23, and 98398923 million failed dates, bad relationships and even those things that never even actually make it to dates - that I would know better. Maybe one day.... I heard eHarmony was pretty good ;)
Intimidating? Say what?
Apparently I have a problem and Im really not too sure what to do about it. Last night while in downtown Raleigh w/ my friend I was told by two different guys that I was intimidating. One guy that I really cant recall said it - and through a conversation with another, the second guy agreed with it. This isnt the first time that Ive been told such a thing - but I honestly dont understand it. It makes me feel bad - that perhaps I come off as unapproachable. I have the confidence to consider myself a fairly attractive person - yet I do have a hard time meeting others when out. I realize that I am a very critical person - I tend to take in every person and thing around me and make a judgement - And maybe that process shows on my face. But intimidating? Unapproachable? I can hardly believe that you could figure that out about me just by looking across the room. Perhaps if you actually got to know me, well that might be a different story ;)
Engagements, Engagements
Im at stage in life where most people my age seem to be getting engaged and married off. Yay for them. I just love happy couples. Really, some of them I do. Doesnt mean that they dont also make me sick on some level. Yes, Im envious - I can admit it. Id love to be in love. Id love to be planning my life with that person. And Id also like to be rocking a beautiful ring on my left hand. This brings me to the real point of this blog -
Engagement Rings. It seems today that the trend is for girls to post pictures of their diamonds on facebook and myspace. Many of my friends have absolutely gorgeous, huge diamonds (I consider "huge" being anything over 1 ct. or with a special design - future husband, read now. Anything less that 1ct WILL be laughed at. I am a girl who loves her jewelry. Lets aim for 1.5, I mean really.). But it leaves me wondering about girls that dont post close up pictures of their rings - are they doing this because they are modest - or are these rings really sub par? All my friends that I know for a fact have the beautiful rings posted close ups. Yet I also know many other girls that have 379283982938 pictures on facebook/myspace (meaning, they are INTO pictures. love them. take them constantly) that will not post a close up for all us out in the cyber world to see. Leaves me wondering - is the ring worth seeing anyways? Im sorry I dont believe some of these girls are just doing the nice thing, trying not to be so flashy. I think they just arent that pround.... But Im the eternal cynic.
Engagement Rings. It seems today that the trend is for girls to post pictures of their diamonds on facebook and myspace. Many of my friends have absolutely gorgeous, huge diamonds (I consider "huge" being anything over 1 ct. or with a special design - future husband, read now. Anything less that 1ct WILL be laughed at. I am a girl who loves her jewelry. Lets aim for 1.5, I mean really.). But it leaves me wondering about girls that dont post close up pictures of their rings - are they doing this because they are modest - or are these rings really sub par? All my friends that I know for a fact have the beautiful rings posted close ups. Yet I also know many other girls that have 379283982938 pictures on facebook/myspace (meaning, they are INTO pictures. love them. take them constantly) that will not post a close up for all us out in the cyber world to see. Leaves me wondering - is the ring worth seeing anyways? Im sorry I dont believe some of these girls are just doing the nice thing, trying not to be so flashy. I think they just arent that pround.... But Im the eternal cynic.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Getting Started
(Disclaimer - Id like to say something charming, witty or interesting to begin my blogging adventures - but that doesn't seem to be happening. Should be okay though, I'm a pro at rough starts.)
Ive either clearly lost my mind - or jumped on the bandwagon because it actually IS an amazing thing. Yesterday I ordered the Twilight book series online and am SO excited for them to arrive. Ive been reading about and hearing talk of these books for a few months now. Lately many of my friends and students have been reading them - but I did my usual thing and ignored all the hype. I have never been one to read what others are into (minus the occasional Nicholas Sparks) - but this time I cannot resist. I went with friends Wednesday morning to see the movie version of Twilight and I fell in love. My best friend will spend hours arguing that the movie is not good - because shes basing her judgement on having read the book which we all know will ALWAYS be better than the movie version of anything. But having not read the book yet - I can honestly say I believe almost anyone would love the movie. They pulled it off stunningly and whats better - the movie left me only wanting to know MORE about the characters - which is a perfect plan - the best way to get non-readers to spend the money or venture out to rent the book is leave them needing more information. I cannot wait to get the pages in my hands that will answer all the questions Ive been left wondering about. Ill let you know how it goes - But right now I'm just enjoying looking forward to being lost in this story - Books that actually carry you away and steal your heart are so amazing and rare - and I feel this series is going to that fit that need perfectly. I need a good love story in my life right now....
Ive either clearly lost my mind - or jumped on the bandwagon because it actually IS an amazing thing. Yesterday I ordered the Twilight book series online and am SO excited for them to arrive. Ive been reading about and hearing talk of these books for a few months now. Lately many of my friends and students have been reading them - but I did my usual thing and ignored all the hype. I have never been one to read what others are into (minus the occasional Nicholas Sparks) - but this time I cannot resist. I went with friends Wednesday morning to see the movie version of Twilight and I fell in love. My best friend will spend hours arguing that the movie is not good - because shes basing her judgement on having read the book which we all know will ALWAYS be better than the movie version of anything. But having not read the book yet - I can honestly say I believe almost anyone would love the movie. They pulled it off stunningly and whats better - the movie left me only wanting to know MORE about the characters - which is a perfect plan - the best way to get non-readers to spend the money or venture out to rent the book is leave them needing more information. I cannot wait to get the pages in my hands that will answer all the questions Ive been left wondering about. Ill let you know how it goes - But right now I'm just enjoying looking forward to being lost in this story - Books that actually carry you away and steal your heart are so amazing and rare - and I feel this series is going to that fit that need perfectly. I need a good love story in my life right now....
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